I often get emails from wives who feel that their world is falling apart. They've just found out that, sometime in the past, their husband had an affair. Sometimes, it's clear that the affair is over and that this is something that's been in the past. Still, everything feels immediate and dire. It usually doesn't matter to the wife when it happened. What matters is that it did happen. And, even though the wife might have to give the husband credit if he was the one who admitted the affair (even when he didn't have to,) usually all the wife can dwell on for a while is the fact that her husband has been unfaithful.
People often ask me how to best deal with this. Because, especially initially, they feel like they are trying to run in quick sand. It's very hard to even think about moving forward when you are now in the position that you feel that you have to question everything that you thought you knew. The world looks much differently, and much more cruel, after learning that you've been betrayed in this way. You often believe that there's no way things can ever get back to normal after this. But, they can. And they sometimes do. In the following article, I will offer some tips on how to best deal with things if you've found out that your husband has had an affair.
Don't Allow Yourself To Be Rushed. Dealing With His Affair Is Going To Take Time: The first thing that you might need to do is to take a deep breathe and understand that no matter how this ultimately turns out, nothing is going to be resolved over night. It's natural and normal to want a resolution and to hope to find something that makes you feel better right away.
But, it's my belief that there's no such thing as an overnight resolution. This is a huge blow and it's just going to take some time to process and deal with this. Don't try to take drastic measures or actions too soon. Don't make any lasting decisions until you've had the time that you need. You might worry that holing up and taking care of yourself is selfish or cowardly. It isn't. It's just making sure that you have what you need to move decidedly with confidence. It's not indulgent to take things slowly and as they come. This is a process. If you try to rush it, this will often backfire and you'll have even more work to do when you try to gain the ground back.
Don't Beat Yourself Up About This. His Affair Is In No Way Your Fault: One of the biggest obstacles that many wives face when learning about an affair is that their self confidence takes a huge blow. You feel, deep down, that in some way this was all your fault. It most certainly wasn't. No matter why he did this, the choice was his alone. He was working with his own set of problems and shortcomings, not yours.
Do not take his decision and his mistake and make it your own. There is no perfect wife. There is no perfect marriage and no sane adult can expect this. When women tell me that they are stuck and just can't deal with their marriage or their husband after the affair, I always suspect that they haven't gotten what they needed to heal. One of the biggest things that is needed to heal is a return or restoration of your self confidence. You will never believe that he really loves and wants you (or that this isn't fault) if you can't see yourself as lovable and as special as you are.
Make no apologies for doing what you need to do to build yourself up if this has torn you down. You deserve happiness and to know that you are best self. You need to know that you are strong and resilient rather than wounded. Honestly, when this happens, much of the additional healing falls into place much easier.
Demand What You Need To Get Over His Affair Without Any Apology: Many women will sort of tip toe around their husbands in this situation. They worry about how he's feeling and what he's thinking. Honestly, the opposite should be true. You should be your highest concern right now. And you should not be shy or apologetic about telling him where you're stuck and what you're going to need to move past this. Most women need to know why this happened and why it won't happen again. They need to know that he still loves and desires them. And they may need some sort of professional plan to work through the rest.
You really don't need to hesitate to ask him for what you need. Sometimes, men are just not as initiative as they need to be and they can't read your mind. Many women will tell me "well, I should not have to spell it out for him. He should just know." Unfortunately, he often doesn't. And telling him what you need is one way to ensure that you get it.
I know that dealing with his affair, no matter when it happened, can be very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/