Tips For Moving On After Your Husband Cheated Or Had An Affair

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Moving on after your husband cheats or has an affair is probably the topic I am most questioned about.  Getting his affair out of your mind and out of your life can seem to be a near impossible task some of the time.  And this whole process can leave you feeling frustrated, stuck, and as though you might never get your life back.

Moving on after he has an affair or cheats is absolutely possible.  I have done it and I know and have corresponded with countless others who have done it too.  It's not always immediate and it's often a process. But in the paragraphs below, I'll offer you some tips on how to move on after he cheats or has an affair.

Vow That You Really Do Want To Move On And Believe That You Can:  I know, this seems ridiculously simplistic and cliche.  And please don't get mad at me when I say this.  But many women (myself included) say that they really want to move on but then, deep down somewhere, they want to keep this as their trump card against their husband because he deserves it.

After all, if you move on and let this go, does it means he just gets off scot free?  And, how are you supposed to just let a betrayal as enormous as cheating go?  Well, here's the thing, moving on doesn't mean that you erase your memory or deny reality.  This just isn't possible and it's silly to pretend that it's not.

But, you do make a conscious decision that you no longer want to live your life stuck in the mire.  And sometimes this means that, when you are ready to do so, you might have some tough decisions to make. When you have had time to process this and to REALLY focus on your healing, you'll need to decide if you want to continue to hold onto this anger, this grief, this negativity, or if you are ready to let it all go for your own well being.

I know it's not easy.  It can feel down right impossible on some days.  And you can feel such resentment that you even have to struggle through this when you did nothing wrong. Frankly, some days, it's real tempting to want to punish him by holding onto this to keep reminding him of his betrayal. 

But here's the thing. Doing this hurts you as much as it hurts him, if not more so.  Because you continue to churn the bad feelings over and over so that this whole process chokes out your happiness and you lose your sense of the happy and vibrant person you know you really are.

Deep down, you know that this truly is no way to live.  So, if you are ready to move on, but just don't know how.  Here's some things that have helped me and others.

Figure Out What Went Wrong And Fix It From A Place Of Healing Rather Than From A Place Of Blame:  Most people know that they are going to need to explore what went wrong in their marriage and then fix it, but many people feel ALOT of resentment about this so it becomes more of the blame game than any real healing or improvement.

When you are going through this process, try to look at it as you are truly doing this to make your life better.  I know that it may not feel like it right now, but if you can get to the bottom of this and fix it, truly – you can come out of this happier and with improvements in your life.

In this way, at least you got something out of all you went through.  And this wasn't just something to make you suffer.  If we learn from our challenges then we strengthen and we tell ourselves that we really are capable of rising above what life hands us.  This increases our respect for ourselves and our husband's respect for us.

Yes, working through this may be hard on some days.  There might be difficult talks that cause pain.  But, to me, it's better to grit your teeth and move through than to keep feeling the pain because you're stuck. I'd rather just get it over with and be free.

When You REALLY Want To Move On After His Affair, But You Just Can't Seem To:  I have countless women tell me that they have made the commitment to their husbands and to themselves to move on, but they just can't seem to do it.

One day things are OK and the next they are angry or devastated again.  When this happens, do not beat yourself up. Maybe it's too soon or maybe you've not yet gotten what you need. 

Sometimes, we don't feel he's remorseful enough for cheating. Sometimes, we worry he will have another affair.  And, sometimes, whether we know it or not, we harbor some anger at ourselves and we worry that we'll never really be good enough.  We get caught up in this cycle that never ends. 

If something needs to be said, please just say it.  It's so much better to get it off your chest and move on than to sit there and harbor anger and allow that anger to mean that you remain stuck.  If you need to rebuild your self esteem, by all means give yourself permission to do so.

You deserve whatever you need.  Don't suffer when you don't need to.  Please do what you need to do to free yourself from this burden.  I know it hurts.  I know it's a cycle that never ends. First, you really do have to make an unbreakable vow that you are going to and will move past this.  Then, you have to give yourself permission to get what you need to do just that.

By no means am I an expert, but this is what has worked for me.  Although there was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband's affair, this is in the past. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Katie Lersch has 6 articles online

Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair.  Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.  Her article website is at http://katie-lersch-articles.com


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Tips For Moving On After Your Husband Cheated Or Had An Affair

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This article was published on 2011/03/28
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